Something that has always been super important to me, and probably always will be, is the journey over the destination. So, I wanted to spend a bit of time on my blog talking about my journey, well, some of it.

I was never really one of those kids at school that knew what they wanted to do in life, I had passions and interests and there were things I thought I would enjoy, and when asked I would usually say ‘ah, I like Politics so maybe political journalism’, or, ‘I’m interested in crime and law so maybe something like that within the criminal justice system’, but never had anything set. I think I was interested in too many things. I was always interested in the stuff outside the classroom. In my Yr11 Leavers Book, I was the one destined to be a Politician. I wasn’t afraid to share my opinions and stand up for what others might not have believed in. But, I don’t think I’ve ever settled for what I want to do in life so far, I’ve changed my mind so many times about what career I want to go into, whether I would rather not have a career as such and just travel picking up work on the way, or just see where life takes me with my progression. I’ve always found that I’ve always gone into a role though that I’ve enjoyed, and I’ve picked roles based on how much I would enjoy it, also looking at things like progression opportunities, etc, but always figured that as long as I enjoyed what I did, I’d never feel like I was working.

Someone who I used to work with, and really do look up to as a role model once said to me when I was having a real struggle about my identity and what I wanted in life, ‘Maddie, I think that as long as you are helping people, no matter in what capacity, you are doing what you were put on this Earth to do’. That has stuck with me since the day it was said to me and something I remind myself of all the time. It’s true though, it’s taken time and I might still not be quite there but I do believe that I really enjoy helping others to be the best version of themselves. One of my biggest things that’s always got me is my self-confidence and self-belief. It’s not something I’ve ever really been great with and no matter what anyone said to me, I always struggled to believe it. I have however managed to end up fairly successful so far in life though despite any knocks or setbacks along the way.

Anyway, let’s go back to school. I wasn’t a straight A student, I left with 3 B’s and 5 C’s. I also got 2 D’s, an E and an F. People sometimes won’t share the grades that didn’t quite make the cut but I think it’s important to recognise that actually, sometimes, we don’t get them all. I still remember how gutted I felt on the day. I walked out of the hall without talking to any of my friends and just got in the car. I was on a Summer Camp at the time and had been given a day release to go and get my results and remember saying, ‘I wish I didn’t bother going’. I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do for my 16+ steps either, so I was feeling stuck. I ended up enrolling into the Sixth Form attached to my school and ended up in subjects that I didn’t want to do (my own fault, I was still in a place where I had no idea what I wanted to do, so just got put wherever there was a space). I did English Language, Maths and Art. I enjoyed Art, as have always been really creative, but wanted to get out of the others. I ended up finishing Sixth Form early, after about 7 months, because I really hated it, I got an E in English Language and 2 U’s in the others where I either didn’t finish the work or didn’t sit the exam. I went and found an apprenticeship doing Business Admin so I was at least doing something, and stuck this out for about 2.5 months before I’d had enough and had a bit of a moment where I thought I really needed to sit down and think about it a bit more.

I still struggle with the idea of 16 year olds having to feel like they have their life mapped out. I’ve worked with young people since I was 18 and still say to them, 8 years later, it’s okay to not know. When I was 17, in this apprenticeship that wasn’t me at all, I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew it wasn’t that. I started looking for jobs and went and enrolled (late) at College attempting my A-Levels again. I remember the Head of Faculty sitting with me in my interview and seeing my track record and she said, ‘well what’s different this time?’ And I simply replied, ‘I just need a chance’. This time I picked things I knew I would enjoy more, I picked Government & Politics, Sociology and Communication & Culture. It started really well and I was enjoying it, but I soon fell out of love with it and figured it must have just been that education wasn’t for me. I started skipping lessons, not engaging in the ones I went to, just not attending College generally and thought, well what now? I still only really had my GCSE’s and had, in my eyes, wasted two years.

One of my lecturers at College knew I volunteered at a Youth Centre local to me, the one that I went to when I was a young person, became a senior member at, and then a staff member eventually. That was one thing that was always a positive, I loved volunteering there and spent so much of my time there, most evenings and every Saturday morning. She mentioned there was Youth Work Apprenticeships at the College and suggested I applied. I’m so glad she mentioned it. I was in a place where I really had no idea anymore and this opportunity came right when I needed it. A place when I was feeling lost, fed up, and completely in the dark. I started my apprenticeship the week after my AS Level results day. In my AS Levels I got 2 C’s and a U. I think that was pretty good given the circumstances. I remember the morning of my Sociology exam sitting on the floor in tears because I just didn’t want to sit it. I hated exams, still do, and knew I wasn’t going to do well (I was wrong). My Comms I did really good in my coursework (A* *shook*) so my poor performance in the exam balanced it out for me, and Gov/Pol was just a complete flunk and it showed. I was ready to leave my education for a bit and focus on something else.

My apprenticeship really did help me find my calling and I fell into it at the right time. I loved going out and helping young people and doing projects and just enjoying life a bit more. As the saying goes, if you enjoy your job you’ll never work a day in your life, or something like that. I was doing okay in my coursework, sometimes it was a struggle but knew that I was studying something I was interested in so gave it my best shot. Time flew by really quickly whilst doing my apprenticeship and before I knew it, Summer was approaching and I had to begin thinking about my next steps, something which has never been my favourite. I went for a couple of interviews but took a risk with a temp Summer position doing residential and programme work as I knew it would be right up my street, and I really enjoyed it. It was challenging and my first real proper chance to put a lot of my skills I’d learnt and developed into practice. I ended up extending my contract at the end of Summer and continued working programmes pretty much full-time and doing some other temp youth work in between to keep myself going until a permanent job came up that I liked the sound of. Little did I know that this job would be back where I did my apprenticeship!

I went for an interview and was offered the position, and although it was only a maternity cover role it gave me a bit more stability for a period of time to develop myself a bit further and I knew that I could do it, I was super happy to be back. I really enjoyed the role and was so ready to get set, the role developed and grew and I was fortunate enough that whilst in post, a full-time, permanent position came up which I had an interview for and was successful in, so I knew I could stay beyond the maternity cover. I finally felt like I was getting there a little bit and that my delays in life weren’t an issue anymore, and that my journey to get here was so important and really meant something to me. I had really fought to get to where I was and knew that I deserved to be there. I stayed in my position for a number of years, I felt so at home and so happy doing what I was doing, despite the ups and downs that happen anywhere and are a given age some stage. The biggest thing for me was that I knew I was making a positive difference.

I’m skipping loads whilst talking about my journey, I genuinely believe I could write a book just on this alone. But fast forward to 2020. That year. Covid hit me hard, I couldn’t go exploring as much as I would normally, I couldn’t just live my life. I took myself out on lots of walks where I live, went running, used any escape possible to have time out of the house. Reflected a lot. I thought a lot about what I wanted in life, I started thinking more and more about travelling, about working abroad, about what I would do in life after lockdown. But in that time it was also just about getting through it, so I did what I did, continued with what I knew I could do, and just kept looking forward to ‘life returning to normal’, it never went back to ‘normal’.

Fast forward again. When 2022 started I was probably feeling more lost than I had in a little while, probably since 2020 if I’m being honest. I wasn’t sure what path I was on, I didn’t know what I was after or looking for, I was thinking a lot about my career, I was just in a bit of a muddled head space. I kept going but I think deep down I was just struggling. I’ve always really loved travelling and part of me just wanted to save up, pack up, and start living life out of a backpack. I was still enjoying my job but there was loads going on and I was finding it hard to keep my head above water. Fast forward a few months and I’m not sure if I was or wasn’t looking for change, but a job came up which I knew was calling my name.. I was still super reluctant to leave my previous role as I truly loved it, but knew deep down it was time and that this was my golden opportunity. I had to have a serious talk with myself which was really hard, and I cried a lot. But I applied and I went for the interview. I really didn’t know if I was going to get the job, I knew it would have been a step up for me and genuinely didn’t know if I stood a chance, but I came away feeling a sense of belonging and wholeness, for the first time in a little while.

Well. Nothing was going to prepare me for what came next. I got offered the job! I was shocked and genuinely didn’t believe it at first. I felt so happy and excited but at the same time, my first thought was ‘but what about this job’. It felt like the hardest week, maybe even weeks if I’m being honest. I didn’t want to tell anyone at work until all the details had been sorted and I’d signed a contract, etc. so I was holding all this information from my team, my colleagues, from everyone. Although I was happy, I felt so isolated. I couldn’t wait to share the news. The next month was a whole whirlwind. I handed my notice in, I went on holiday and had more time to think than I wanted, tried to talk myself into all sorts of different ideas and thoughts which wasn’t healthy, tried to come home early from my holiday because of this, my friends and family convinced me to stay out there and enjoy my time and that it would pass (it did). I got back and got Covid (first time ever!) and couldn’t believe it, because of isolation and feeling poorly, I ended up not being back at work until my last week, and that really upset me too. It felt like that month was really emotionally challenging and put me through my paces, and I felt that I didn’t have enough time to process what was happening. I got through it, like you do, and I learnt a lot about my personal resilience too.

I started my new job and six months down the line am still absolutely loving it, it’s not been short of challenging at times, but also so rewarding, and I’m so excited to begin to share more about my professional journey in a later post. The last six months have taught me loads about my resilience, about me as a person, and so much more, and for the first time in a while, it’s not just the people around me that say they’re proud of me, but I’m slowly starting to feel proud of myself too.